Posts from the ‘Humor’ Category

Airport Sercurity

I have been thru airport security and customs countless times, and never had trouble except as a young child, I had to get wanded because I had light up shoes. But since then no trouble, I’ve travel solo and wit large groups but today was the first time I was very worried. I am a very good traveler alway very careful to abide by the rules of air travel. No liquids bigger then 3 oz, no nail clippers or anything that could be used as a weapon. Well today I get to hang out with the Memphis TSA staff a little longer than is usual. I put my bag on the conveyer belt and stepped thru the scanner with no problem. A very nice lady pulled my bag from the X-ray machine and asked if it was mine and I politely said “yes” she then told me she need to have a look in my bag. I told her that was fine. She set my bag on a table and then asked “do you have a knife in your bag ma’am?” I shock my head and said “no ma’am”. She then opened up my bad and pulled out my 7 inch fixed blade Kabar.

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I am fairly certain I turned white and then bright red with embarrassment. I promise you and them that I had no idea it was in that bag, plus I used that exact bag to get to Mississippi five days ago and the airport in Kalispell did not find it. I was shocked at my oversight and the other airports. I tried to assure them it was accidental and that if they had to confiscate it I was not going to get upset.

As I stood there wondering my fate I see them take my knife to a different security table off the one side and then begin to search thru some drawers until they pulled out a lime green ruler with half the measurements worn off. Then the lady who searched my bag says we may have to call a “LEO” (law enforcement officer) if it’s to big. Honestly lady it’s pretty stinking big. I thought to myself. I tried to stay calm but by this point I’m kinda freaked out. At this point I catch sight of my parent s who look very confused as to what is going on. I try to explain what’s happening across twenty feet of space between us. I mouth “I forgot my kabar in my bag” which took several tries for my mom to lip read. It took three TSA agent several minutes to decide what to do with me but one of them noticed I was talking to someone and asked if they where my parents and I said yes. Then someone who seamed to be incharge came and said “we don’t have to call anyone. Can we give this to your parents?” I apologized profusely and said they could give it to my parents. But I was about half an inch of steel from being taken to 201 poplar in a private lighted carriage ride. That was enought travel excitement for me.

I can guarantee you that before I pack a bag to take to the airport I will be flipping it upside down and vigorously shaking it before I start packing.

Well, until then…

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Bad Lessons from Disney

Thought this was interesting in light of yesterdays post. I will let you make your own opinions on this one.

 

Until Then…

Disney Movie and Dysfunctional Relationships

Ever wonder why women stay in abusive or controlling relationships? I blame Disney, specifically Beauty and the Beast. Bell and the Beast relationship begins as a text book case of control. She is literally his prisoner. Bell gives herself to the Beast to save her father. She is locked up in the castle told where she can go and where she can’t go. She is punished by the Beast for disobedience by him with holding food on one occasion. Not to mention he keeps her secluded and isolated from others. Yes, this all changes by the power of unconditional love by the end of the movie and yes it has a very touching and powerful ending but let’s not forget how it all got started. Bell falls in love with the man who takes he hostage. That pretty unhealthy if you ask me. I think in his day and age if this story played out in reality he Beast would have been arrested for cruelty and abuse. Not to mention what Bells close friends would say. I have a feeling it would be something to this effect. “yeah he’s a great guy now but remember when you met, how you met? I think you deserve better than than. What if he regresses back to that after you get married. Why don’t you just find a nice normal guy from town and be with him.” Well Bells friends wouldn’t be wrong to think those thing, I hope we can all agree that her friends would have grounds for those conclusions.
But here is where it gets tricky. Every girl want to be the acceptation to the rules, to meet that guy who become before your eyes all the things you want him to be. The truth is thou that acceptations happen once in a life time. I do not believe I am the acceptation to “the rule”, however I do believe that there is a man out there that I will be the acceptation to his rule. I will be the one who is so different from everything else that he can’t do anything but think about me.
All that being said, abuse is abuse, Bell and the Beast have no business being together but they are. Remember this not all Beastly men are charming princes inside but there are some beasts out there that have charming princes inside. Be wise enough to see the difference.

Until Then…

Women drivers

A couple of weeks ago my relief driver at work made a minor judgement error about the height of the delivery truck and the lowness of an over hang. This error resulted in a significant crunch in the delivery truck and a building over hang. I am not telling you this for pity or to rant, I tell you this as back story for the true tale I am about to tell you.

I made my morning deliveries in perfect time, and was almost to my major stop of the day at North Valley Hospital in Whitefish when the light in front of me turned yellow and then red, I being a quality driver stopped and waited for the light change. As I waited I noticed another delivery truck across the intersection, and beings as there is an unspoken bond between delivery drivers nation wide I raise my hand to wave as they turned left. To my surprise the driver raised his hand not in a wave but pointing out to his passenger the large dent in the upper corner of the box. With craned heads and laughing faces they completed the corner. I hung my head for a moment wishing I could have written on the truck somewhere “It wasn’t this women driver!” but I did laugh too, it’s a pretty nasty looking crunch and I am sure they felt bad for me, but I need to hang on to all the respect I can, being in an environment dominated by males, I need to make sure they know I am the real deal. Honestly it was the funniest part of my day. I did returned to work and asked again how long it would be before the part for the truck arrived.

Until then…

Super Hero Hotel

Shaggy and batgirl in an Elevator

While overseeing my elevator duty at the Ritz I entered the east elevator to be greeted by Shaggy and Batgirl. I politely stepped to one side and tried not to seem interested in their conversation. Batgirl started to speak before the doors closed all the way. “So are you ever gonna cut your hair?” Shaggy shrugged his shoulders and responded with

“But it’s totally cool; my do makes a sweet statement.”

Batgirl retorted with “Yeah like a completely unhygienic statement.”

“So why do you wear black all the time are like depressed. I think you should wear this, it’s like totally tubular.” At this statement he pulls out a tie dye mask that was identical in shape and size to her black one.

“What idiot would wear that?” Then Shaggy pulled out a second mask and put it on to prove how cool it really was. “I wasn’t sure it was possible but you look even stupider.” Shaggy’s face then contorted to reveal that all too well know look of complete, but fleeting, rejection that all fans love.

“You know that’s harsh.” He said as his face slowly returned to normal. Then the elevator lights snapped off and the car jolted to a stop. When the light returned I turned to check on the passengers and found that Shaggy had climbed Batgirl like a tree while she remained statuesque with fists propped on her waist and elbow out. Shaggy slowly lowered from his perch. Batgirl unshaken by an unforeseen change in event then began to take shock of the situation. She pulled a bat shaped harpoon from her belt and loaded it into something that wrapped around the palm of her hand. She then stepped into the center of the car, almost kicking Shaggy out of the way. She fired it and blew out the panel above. She then looked to Shaggy and said.

“Ok, give me a boost.” Shaggy looked at her in utter shock.

“Your going up their?” while making a small childlike gesture to the missing panel.

“NO! We’re going up there, we have to save this poor civilian for certain peril.”  She responded with fists on hips as she impatiently tapped her foot. I tried to interject but was quickly drowned out by “Don’t worry, stay calm sir, we have everything under control.”

I tried again “But I can…”

“No, no, no you stay here and WE will go get help.” She replied as she shot a glance at the still deathly afraid Shaggy who had been trying to get as far away from the open panel as possible. He was scrunched in the back corner of the car and was trying to push himself down farther onto the floor. Batgirl then loaded another harpoon into her launcher and fired it up into the open shaft of the elevator. She then turned to Shaggy and found him stuffing his face with Scooby snacks. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t face certain death on an empty stomach.”  Batgirl was feed up by now and said

“Fine, I’ll save the world myself. Men are so useless.” At this Shaggy attempted to muster up some courage and said,

“Wait I can’t let a pretty girl like you face danger all alone. I’ll come.” He then turned to me and said. “If I don’t come back will you give this box of Scooby snacks to Scooby doo and tell  the gang that I did this for them.” He handed me the nearly empty box and turned to Batgirl.

“Are you ready yet?” He shook his head reluctantly and grabbed her around the waist. They then disappeared through the dark hole. I turned and opened the panel to the phone and heard,

“Front desk.”

“Hey Frank this is Vince will you through the breaker for the east elevator its blown again.”

“Sure Vince, I’ll get right on it.” Less that a minute later the elevator resumed its motion and stopped two floors up. Where I found a completely disheveled Batgirl and overly enthusiastic Shaggy, who was exclaiming

“I saved Batgirl!!! repeatedly. I then handed him back his Scooby snacks and went to assist Batgirl off of the floor. Her cap was ripped off of one shoulder, her belt was gone and her mask was angled across her forehead and left eye. I attempted an explanation.

“The breaker for the east elevator has a tendency to blow when the hot tub is turned on. It started to happen about a week ago and the electrician is coming tomorrow to fix it. So all you have to do is call the front desk and have them flip the breaker.” Batgirl then shot a glance of death at Shaggy and angrily announced,

“I’ll take the stair!” Shaggy ran after her waving a tie dye mask over his head yelling.

“You forgot your mask.” I reentered the elevator and emerged in time to see Shaggy chasing a black motorcycle through the parking lot still waving that tie dye mask in the air. I then took up my post at the front desk and the bell on the entry door rang and I was greeted with a “Hey Vince, how’s your day going?”

“Great, Mr. Kent how are you?”

Dear Math,

I have made a decision recently about math and its value in my life and I would like to share it with you. First of all I never knew there where so many kinds of numbers, I put numbers in to two categories, numbers that matter and numbers that don’t.

Did you know there are Perfect Numbers, the only perfect number is the one that connects me to the person I really want to call, that would be the perfect number, preferable a millionaire single in his mid to late 20’s. (still looking for that, can anyone hook me up with that?)

Oh but the fun is just getting started, there are Real Numbers too. Are their fake numbers….? No just ones we absolutely can classify as real. So don’t get distracted by those not real numbers, wouldn’t want to be lead down the wrong path by a number thats not real, because you never know where you might end up. Cuz those real number only take you to really cool, fun safe places.

Irrational Numbers, these are a lot like the not real numbers but instead of taking you to some dark scary place they put you one the crazy train, headed for crazy town to set you up with the Crazy Majors crazy nephew, so Beware Irrational Numbers.

Negative numbers, these are where all the negativity in the WORLD sprang from, they are not to be messed with even the most positive number, when they encounter them, are to turned to negativity. Its like a black hole, they will suck you in and never let you out.

Finally, Imaginary Numbers, these are very rare like unicorns, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus and the easter bunny. You have to look very hard and believe with all your might and someday you may be privileged enough to see an imaginary number.

So to sum all this up, I have one rule when it comes to numbers, if it can’t be applied to my Sales CPO or cookie I DON”T CARE!!!

Until then….