Archive for March, 2012

Battlefield Part 1

As the  battlefield rises into our view, we mount the last hill on our path.

When each man scales the final steps to the summit of that hill they freeze,

Some in shock of the army that seemed to be swarming in the far end of the valley

 Which we were to enter, others in awe of the places beauty.

A trumpet sounds and recalls the memories of the dawn of this day.


I had been standing outside my family’s thatched roof home when

The call for battle arose from the Royal Palace.

Then all the warriors who were ready and willing assembled.

Some were old and seasoned,

Others were young and timid.

Then there I stood,

Ready to do battle with our enemy,  

And believing that I was prepared to do what was necessary.


The march for the battleground began not long after we assembled.

The journey ahead was long and our enemy was also on the move.

As we marched we could hear the sound of the King’s attendants.

They chanted, singing and proclaiming,

With horns, cymbals and stringed instruments.

  Some of the warriors joined in the song,

Others marched along quietly.

Then I sang with the chorus

As I joined in I felt courage fill my heart and strengthen my arm.


The armor of the warriors was as diverse as the people.

Men and Women marched united in rank.

The fully-armed warriors lead the march.

They wore helmets, breastplates, belts and shoes.

They carried shields and swords;

A few had horns and wore long cloaks.

Some had full armor and many only pieces.

Then I came,

I had my sword by my side,

I had been trained to use it and had drawn it many times

But never in battle.

My arm was strong to wield it and not hesitant to strike.

I also carried my shield on my back,

It is a priceless gift given me by my father.

It has been passed down from generation to generation and

Now I carry it with honor and respect.

My helmet and breastplate glistened in the sun

And a well worn but still sturdy leather belt hung at my waist.

My feet where protected by shoes,

Not the sandals I have worn most of my life,

But shoes with thick soles and a covering of leather and metal.

 Behind me there walked many warriors who where unarmed and already weary.

Great numbers look as if they were already wounded.


The pace of our march remained steady and more grew wearier.

The battle ground was still a great distance away.

As midday passed the King left His position at the head of His army to come and

encourage His people.

He rode on a white horse;

His armor is the best constructed and most glorious of all the warriors.

In battle gear our King was mightier and more fierce than any man

That ever had entered a battle.

In battle He would charge the enemy lines and

Drive them back with the sound of His coming;

Yet every child that sees His face

Runs freely into His waiting arms.

He is a father, grandfather, brother and dear friend to many.

The movement of the men around me brings my mind back and

I am enveloped with the sight of an army of black figures, knights

That all swarm and surge around another figure at the rear of the force.

My eyes cannot see who it is but I know it is their Prince.

My eyes turn to the mountains which form this valley-battlefield.

For all the darkness that valley contains, it’s imposing beauty gives me courage.

We continue down the hill into the valley and prepare ourselves for the long-anticipated battle.


One of THOSE moments

We will all have one of those moments, like I did today. Maybe you have already had one or maybe it’s a daily thing for you now, but sooner or later we will all get there. What moment am I taking about, Oh that moment where you realize, I really am getting older.

Today I was at work and as part of my job I pick up a newspaper from Material Management to take to Cancer Treatment Center, it a daily thing, I drop off the mail, grab a paper and throw it on my cart then when I get in the elevator and have a moment I glance over the front page. Today was like all the rest, I’m in the elevator by myself and I look down at the newspaper and I exclaim. “I know that guy, I went to school with his sister!” And it hit me, I am getting old, I’m only 26 but right now that feels so old and I might be just a touch crazy for talking to myself.

There are so many times where 26 just doesn’t fell very old to me, like when I think about a Career, Marriage, Kids and that monstrous expression “Settling Down”; all of those things make me feel very young and unprepared but the moment the words “I know that guy I when to school with his sister” fly from my mouth I feel like I am ten years farther down the line. My parent and grandparent say stuff like that, not me and my 25 ish year old friends. It was a very unsettling start to my day and has been bothering me since about 7:15 this morning. I hope to distract myself from it very soon here with some weekend fun.

Until Then…

Gummy bears and Nerd blizzards

In my mind there is really only one thing that exemplifies childhood to me, Ice Cream; and in my childhood there was only two places to go for proper Ice Cream: Baskin Robbins and Dairy Queen. Baskin Robbins was my families sit down and have family time ice cream place, there weren’t a lot of table or room and most people just got there two scoops and let but when I was a kid we alway sat down and ate it right there. Whatever one flavor of there 31 that I chose I had it topped with mini gummy bears. This wasn’t the only time gummy bears and I crossed paths, but this initial gummy bears and ice cream shaped our relationship greatly, this is also when I realized gummy bears taste better frozen. But the most fun I had with gummy bears was with Josh Gesler.
Josh and I ran the sound booth at youth church back in the day, he did PowerPoint and I ran sound. The sound booth was in the back of the building and over looked the sanctuary. We used to set up an eleven foot tall divider to keep the kids close to the stage, well one day while prepping for a service Josh and I found a Costco size bag of gummy bears in a desk drawer and being the “responsible” people we where we decided to wait for the preaching portion of the service and see if we could chuck a few gummy bears over the divider. We spent most of the beginning part of the night speculating about the results of our plan and then the time came for us to actually give it a try. Josh being a better shot than I went first, he cleared the divider, the four rows of chairs and his bright green gummy bear bounced of the edge of the stage unnoticed. It was my turn now, I chose a clear gummy bear and let her fly, it cleared the divided but not the last row of seat before the stage striking one of our overly important leader in the back of the head, there head spun around so fast I was sure it was going to snap off and that was the last I saw because Josh pulled me down to the floor and out of laser beam’s eye site. Moral: Gummy Bears are fun for all ages.

Dairy Queen was the favorite hangout after a school function, teacher meetings, band and choir concerts, awards night, championship ball games, anything that had to do with school was celebrated or commemorated at Dairy Queen also any unpleasant experience, shots, filled cavities, jumping off the high diver, getting stitches, all those painful things about growing up. As a child my brother and I always got small Nerd blizzards at Dairy Queen, they where colorful and just a little wired. I remember that I used to save the nerds out of my blizzard, I would fish them out of my mouth as I ate the ice cream and pill them on a napkin and then eat a handful of them all at once. Now being an adult this practice seams a little gross but as a kid it was so much fun.

When your a kid Ice Cream fixed everything, it was the one stop miracle shop, everything was fine if we could have ice cream afterwards, I want to go back to the day where it was that simple. Now I get a single scoop of ice cream plain, no gummy bears and when I go to DQ it’s because I’m craving a Mud Pie blizzard that really doesn’t make anything better. We must grow up in many ways but I say never out grow the joys of Ice Cream.

Until Then…

Eternal Drums

The eternal drums of the soul play a rhythm that is so unique
When it is silenced the whole world misses its sound.
The pitter patter of those drums can fit together with another.
They are joined in harmonious melody when fingers intwine and feet journey in stride.
The meter of this song changes day by day and
Grows louder as faith and hope are exchanged.
Once wholly joined the lose of one is death to the other.
No more music for the remaining,
Death becomes a welcome visitor,
Begged to come quickly.

I can hear it now as I walk the streets.
The sound of waiting,
The sound of hope and joy and
The tone that sings of wholeness.
Our world is layered with sounds waiting to be heard.
I have heard the symphony of lovers heart beats.
What can you hear?

The Sky is Full of Diamonds


We are like unrefined diamonds, we start our lives as an undefined mass, but hidden inside is something precious and with incalculable value, but unless we cut away the useless things, no one will be able to see the value underneath. As we go through our lives we are gifted with opportunities to cut away those things that hide our nature from the world, it is often a painful or trying process. But it doesn’t stop there, diamonds have many facets and not only do you have to cut away the impurities but sometimes bit of the stone must be cut way so that it can reflect light and life in a brilliant fashion. Those bit of diamond that are cut away are no less pure diamond than the part that remains but by keeping those parts the value of the whole is brought down. It is in those times of cutting away pieces of ourself and refining who we really are that we begin to grow and find the unique things in ourselves and our special place in this world.

I believe all the truly great and interesting people are multi-facets, so much so that no one person can fully know them, unless they have lived a lifetime with that person and continue to delve deeper into who they are. Each of my friends knows a slightly different facet of me, they all see the main facets of my life, how I dress, how I talk, what I like, what irritates me, but each one of them has also discovered a different part of who I am, they have shined a light on a different line or side of my life and have in return found a treasure that was hidden from the world. I too have experienced this with my friends as well. Thats part of the reason why we have the friend we always do this or that with and the friend that we do this or that with.

The people I love the deepest are those whom I have seen there many sides, I have sene life shine light through them in different way and have discovered things I never knew resided in them. I remember looking into a friends eyes one night and seeing deep with him like I had never see into him before, that night he had cut away a piece of himself, sacrificed it really, to become something greater and I was there in that moment when the light first struck that facet of him, that had always been there but was now revealed to world. It was almost frightening, but yet exhilarating.

I am now sitting here again with a chisle in my hand, knowing that there is a piece of me that need to be removed so that my value can shine out and I can more forward but I am afraid, I am not ready to cut this piece away just yet but the moment will come and my hand will be ready to shave of what I now longer require so that I can reveal to the world what I do possess.

Until Then…



As I grew from my childhood into a young woman I constructed a mighty castle with large towers. There is a single gate that is protected by a heavy drawbridge and a lock with a single key. That key is hung about my neck. It is concealed by my clothing. That lock has remained fixed since the day it was placed on the door.

         The walls of my castle have never been breached. There is not an army in the whole world that can take my castle. My castle is built on the top of a high cliff that overlooks the people of the world. I often go to my high tower and look down on those people. I have lived a solitary and a safe existence within my self-built walls.

         Oftentimes, as I watched the people of the world I wished that I could live like them; out in the open, running free with others, for I am alone in my castle and it has always been so. I gazed down on them, they live to love and be together. They have no castle or stronghold and I often thought that they where unsafe, but as I have grown and watched them I have learned that they have something I do not and cannot have as long as I remained in my castle. There is only one way down to the people of the world.

         So one day, I climbed to the tower that overlooks the people of the world. I climbed up into that window and I jumped. When I did I hoped and prayed that I could fly. As I fell, I realized that I was not created to fly. I crashed upon the ground and began to burn. When I became ash, I knew that when the tears of the people of the world fell on me with love, I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes.

I wrote this piece back in 2005-2006, I felt like since I wrote it I have been that ash laying on the ground waiting for the tears of the people to fall on my so that I might rise a new creature with mighty wings to wondrous new places. I have felt like I was stuck in some in-between place, like purgatory, just waiting. I felt like there was something I had to learn before I could leave that place and now that I look back on the last year of my life I have begun to see what I learned and discovered. Now looking back I can see that I am no longer in the same place I was or thought I was. Those ashes that laid on the ground so long and dormant are now beginning to knit themselves together in to a being of great beauty and strength that I have never seen before. There are things in me that I never saw or thought possible. Change takes so long but yet happens so fast. It sometimes take years and years for a change to happening in you but yet you wake up one morning and the world is all different, all new. Thats what I mean when I say “change takes so long but happens so quickly”. Time is so fickle, it passes so slowly when we want things over quickly and then passes so fast when we want to savor the moment and yet science still tells us that time is a constant, they should live in my world for a week and then reevaluate the nature of time.

Until Then…

Journal: March 25, 2012

Have a lot on my mind, none of which has really been sorted out enough to share with you fully, but I am sure when I have found the words to express it I will share those words here. But for now I probably just share some questions that fill my very scattered thoughts. I wonder what life has for me next, I am ready to be done with what I have currently and am ready for the next thing, I know what I want it to be but I have very little control. Uncertainty is such a powerless feeling and of all the states of being I hate feeling powerless, Hopeless in second to the worst. I feel such turmoil, I am feeling pushed and pressured by people that really do love me. I feel like I need a break, a vacation from the pushing to make myself better. I need a vacation from me in a way but I know that we are just getting started and it’s going to get more intense before its all said and done. I am thankful for all the pushing my friends have done to help me grow but there is a season for everything and I want the season of rest where I can just enjoy all I have discovered and live as I wish, free. I think I need a nap most of all. I love who I am becoming, I’m just not in-love with the process its is taking to get there.