Posts from the ‘Journal’ Category

Windows to the soul

I blogged about this over a year ago but felt like it was a good one to share again, especially today when I am stuck at home with swollen eyes from allergies.

This is a concept that I have long believed in, reading peoples eyes. I have become a student of eyes, they are the window to your soul. There is something to be said about facial expressions and body language but not right here right now. The eyes, they are such amazing organs, they do so much. Imagine what your life would be like without them. All the wonders you would miss, sunrises, sunsets, architecture, paintings, faces, food, cars, the list goes on and on. These simple little organs do so much for us, they tell us how far away things are, how fast they are moving, what they are made of or what shape they are. We use our eyes for EVERYTHING. I would challenge you to blindfold yourself or a half hour tonight while you are chilling at home and see how much you appreciate your eyes, and don’t just blindfold yourself and lay down in bed, try to do something, wash dishes, fold clothes, sort your dirty laundry, clean your bathroom…(I suggest nothing involving motor vehicles, sharp knives, or hot elements.) But honestly how often do you forget all your eyes do for you?

Windows to the soul, right, have you ever used your eyes to read someone soul? I say it is possible but it is an art that takes time and patience. It requires a deep look into yourself first and that can often be scary but what is truly frightening is when you look into someone’s eyes and glimpse their soul looking back at you. It doesn’t happen very often, most people don’t know how to see past the pretty or ugly face in front of them into that persons soul. I have seen a great many things but there was nothing sadder than seeing emptiness behind someone’s eyes. I have seen great sorrow and great strength in people. It can take only a moment to see but you must be looking for it. People are less mysterious than they believe they are, its that the people around them are just not very observant.

Become a studier of the souls of men (and women). Look deep, don’t accept the easy answer of “I’m Fine.” Don’t let fear keep you from seeing the true beauty of a person.

Until Then…

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Aladdin Syndrome

4899a17063c542711a0b30afd807ce93“Do you trust me?” It might surprise you that those four words are the words I want to hear from a man even more than “You are beautiful” or “I love you” Maybe its just me be I have always wanted to have a man walk into my life and make me trust him. I am a very reserved girl, one who does not trust easily or quickly. I know that I have lost friendships and possible relationships because I am so reluctant to trust others. I have had this idea in the back of my mind most of my life that one day a man would come along and offer me this great adventure and I would do what I always do, hesitate and back away and then he would say, “Do you trust me?” Maybe that just the overly romantic part of me coming out. The premise still remains, I have been looking and waiting for someone to make me trust them. I ran across the image above a few days ago and this idea has been rolling around in my head trying to make itself into something meaningful. I honestly have no idea where to put this concept or idea that I developed, but I have now named it the Aladdin Syndrome. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being slow to trust, its just a bit lonely but if you can handle the loneliness maybe its not so bad.

That brings up another thing I have been thinking a lot about lately. Just because you can handle something doesn’t mean you have to. Just because I can handle being lonely doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. Life is that eternal struggle to maintain a healthy balance of things in your life. No relationship will be perfect, there will be moments where you get hurt or mad or disappointed but what makes the difference between a relationship that you stand in the fire because you know you can and a relationship that you see the flames and leave? I wish I know. There have been times in my life, if I look back, where I left when I should have stayed and I stayed when I would have left. How do you know the difference? The emotion hurt just the same, the choices and results look the same too? So how do you know when you should stand and take the heat or when you just need to get out of the fire? Again, I wish I knew…

Change your day…

I found myself this morning in a very scared place. Almost surprised at my reaction to walking past the Apple store in mission viejo. But tonight I chose to change myself, to challenge myself. I went to the spectrum with Chelsea where she works and another Apple store is located. I walked thru the whole place which is quite large but I finally found myself infront of the store which already had a line of about 25 people sitting outside for tomorrow’s release of the iPhone 5 and I walked my racing heart into that store and looked around. The place was hopping so I wasn’t able to speak with anyone but I walked in and looked around. I feel a little bit better about where I am now that I faced a silly but real fear. I know tomorrow will be an even better day than today because I will make it so. I think tomorrow is a beach day. 🙂

Someday I don’t understand my own mind

First off thank you Apple for updating your iOS, more specifically the Map application. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Less than a week into my new California lifestyle I now have turn by turn navigation with spoken instructions, and let me tell you it works like a charm. I am so grateful that I don’t have to purchase another device just for that. but the truly interesting thing that happening to me today was as I walked around the mall in Mission Viejo. I walked past the Apple Store, one of the three I applied to, and just seeing the warm white glow and long tables with Apple products laying on them, my heart started to race and my stomach turned, my palms began to sweat and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even make myself go in and introduce myself even as a customer. It was almost the same feeling I had when I applied to Apple in Germantown Tennessee about two years ago. I thought I had changed that I had grown and that I could walk into any place and the fear wouldn’t control me, well today it won and I don’t like that. I have been here barely a week and I am already letting fear win, this was not what I wanted to do. I came here to be free but the problem is I am just as much me here as I was back in Montana. I know I haven’t lost the war but today I lost a battle.

I know I will be ok, but I still don’t enjoy that feeling that come over me today. Truly Apple is the place I want to work the most and I think in my mind if I don’t get a job there I will be lost and all my plans will fail but Apple isn’t the only place I can work and have the life I want. Maybe there is something even better out there for me. If its not Apple I would like it to show up fast so that I don’t have to keep worrying about a job.

September 19, 2012

Still hasn’t been a week since I got here and I am starting to find places on my own, went to my bank today and changed my address and spent about half an hour talking to my new personal banker Michael Garcia. I have already hung out with two of Chelsea’s friends Mo and Miles and Chelsea and I meet to teenagers down at the beach thanks to Levi, Kyle and West. I can’t say I am making my own friends yet but I am meeting people. I have been filling out applications online the last two days. I am really hoping something will pop soon, I don’t enjoy waiting in the dark for applications to be processed. It is much easier to fill out applications online but not being able to get face time with a manager makes it harder to know how things will go. I can generally get a read of off people but you just can’t do that with a website. I have a feeling I am going to have to get some applications in person soon but that makes me so nervous. I really don’t like looking for  a job, its very stressful for me. I know I am capable of doing anything I want, it is just the being able to show people who don’t know me at all that I am capable of far above the average. A friend called it the X factor, which apparently I have, but am not so good at broadcasting. On a side note, I found my way to Trader Joe’s and I love it, they have Crumpets, which is something I haven’t had since I was in England quite a few years ago. So that made me happy. I have also discovered I am not a foodie or a beer fanatic like my best friend here is but thats ok, when I get a job I will start making my own friends. I have a feeling some kicking concert are in my future, that is more my thing. The beach is always a great place for me. Well until then, I will continue to find my way in this new world…

Vacation is over, time to get crackin’

This is day five in California, my friend who drove down with me left yesterday and now the vacation is over, there is dirty laundry to do and chores to help out with and the dreaded job search. I will not lie to you I am afraid, it is far easier to sit here and say that I can do anything I want that I would do any job I want but it’s when the applications hit the table and I still don’t have a job that reality starts to weight you down. I feel safe at the moment but the more job applications I put in and get no response from the more my hope and security fade away. I knew before I left that this was where it would get hard, the rest of this has been mostly physically challenging with all the aspects of moving and packing and driving down here, now is the test of my mental and emotional strength. I know I have people here and back how that are only a phone call away and they will speak life into me but even then my dream is mine to carry and I am still unsure how heavy that load will be.

It begins

Today was quite an event, finally unloaded the uhaul and returned it, I can’t even begin to tell you how much better my truck feel without something behind it. I am so glad to be done with it. There is a sizable pile of boxes and suitcases in my new room but I am here. Spent some time at the beach with Chelsea and Colleen in the waves, it was so soothing to my spirit and my and my mind to be surrounded by people and yet not feel like I was being watched or judged. I think I am going to do well here, I know I will go thru struggles but I think there are amazing possibilities around every corner. Until then I will continue to settle in and enjoy the crashing of the waves on the beach.