Posts tagged ‘sacrifice’

Aladdin Syndrome

4899a17063c542711a0b30afd807ce93“Do you trust me?” It might surprise you that those four words are the words I want to hear from a man even more than “You are beautiful” or “I love you” Maybe its just me be I have always wanted to have a man walk into my life and make me trust him. I am a very reserved girl, one who does not trust easily or quickly. I know that I have lost friendships and possible relationships because I am so reluctant to trust others. I have had this idea in the back of my mind most of my life that one day a man would come along and offer me this great adventure and I would do what I always do, hesitate and back away and then he would say, “Do you trust me?” Maybe that just the overly romantic part of me coming out. The premise still remains, I have been looking and waiting for someone to make me trust them. I ran across the image above a few days ago and this idea has been rolling around in my head trying to make itself into something meaningful. I honestly have no idea where to put this concept or idea that I developed, but I have now named it the Aladdin Syndrome. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being slow to trust, its just a bit lonely but if you can handle the loneliness maybe its not so bad.

That brings up another thing I have been thinking a lot about lately. Just because you can handle something doesn’t mean you have to. Just because I can handle being lonely doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. Life is that eternal struggle to maintain a healthy balance of things in your life. No relationship will be perfect, there will be moments where you get hurt or mad or disappointed but what makes the difference between a relationship that you stand in the fire because you know you can and a relationship that you see the flames and leave? I wish I know. There have been times in my life, if I look back, where I left when I should have stayed and I stayed when I would have left. How do you know the difference? The emotion hurt just the same, the choices and results look the same too? So how do you know when you should stand and take the heat or when you just need to get out of the fire? Again, I wish I knew…

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Name Tags

I wear the Name Tag of:

Women, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Niece, Granddaughter, Cousin, Neighbor, Relative, Sister-in-Law,

Athlete, Writer, Photographer, Graduate, Employee, Driver, Techie, Dyslexic, Creative,

Artistic, Sales Associate, Lead Laborer, Independent, Small Business Owner, Capricorn,

Night Animal, Christian, Non-Smoker, Basketball Player, Coach, Assistant, Runner,

Painter, Feminist, Poet, Traveler, Loner, Fighter, Encourager, Strong-Willed, Stubborn,

Dog Lover, Passport Holder, Contact Lens Wearer, Kind, Supportive, Sarcastic,

Tomboy, Consistent, Music Lover, Random, Clever, Practical Joker, Pastors Kid

… and the list goes on.

Throughout our lives we are all given Name Tags some we give to ourselves, some we love and some we hate. Society likes to give us these Name Tags to make us easier to understand, but truly they are one of the main reason the world is so confused about who I am. You can give me a new Name Tag everyday until the end of the world, but until you sit down in a room with me and hear my laughter, see my tears and find the fire in my soul, you will never know me or begin to understand me. Look deep into my eyes and forget what the world may have told you about me and see what I can teach you myself and what your own heart can tell you. Stop seeing with just your eyes, I am not a resume or a stat sheet, I am flesh and blood. I have been broken and I have walked among the stars, I walked the same ground you have and seen the same beauty and the same destruction. I know light from dark the same way you do.

Come sit with me and I will show you who I am.

Can you say “I’m Sorry”

I’m sorry, two little words, and can you believe that some people just don’t know how to say them? For something so small, you would think that tongue wouldn’t have trouble with these words, but how many times have you felt them rise in your throat and yet your tongue refuses to form them? I know I have been there. I think we need to learn to look someone in the eye that we have hurt and say “I’m Sorry” with no but after it. A statement followed by a but becomes an excuse. We need to own our shit, so many times we half ass things, a half ass apology is an excuse and a cop out. You either take full responsibility for what you have done or your don’t. You just can’t half way apologize and accept to something to change.

There are two parts to an apology, the first part is Owning it, I’m sorry. Period. The second part is where the being genuine comes in, if you are truly sorry about what you have done to someone or how you have failed then you must do something to change it. I’m sorry loses its power just as fast when you keep saying I’m sorry for the same thing over and over. If you don’t change anything and you keep apologizing to me for the same thing, I am going to stop listening because your apology has lost the action. You have to own your mistakes and then act on them to change them for your “I’m Sorry” to actually mean anything. Its just as empty without the action as it is with a ‘but’ after it. If you ever want to be more than you are today put action to your I’m sorry and take out the ‘buts’. If you actually do this you should never have to apologize for the same thing twice.

Memorial Day 2012

  It has almost ten years since I visited Arlington Cemetery and on this day most of all I remember back to it. It is almost breath taking and also heart wrenching to see all those white headstones, row upon row, upon row of the lives that have been given for mine. As I sit here recalling how it felt to walk around in that place the emotion wash over me again. The sorrow was the first thing to take hold of me, all those men and women who will never return to there loved ones, who will never kiss there lovers, who will never see their children, and for what, they died and sacrificed all they had for me, for a country that argues about the value of their sacrifice and the meaning of their death. I would say to you that their life and their death are far more meaningful than any other that I have know. Politics and worldview do not have the power to touch or taint their sacrifice. I did not feel joy to see those white headstones but I did in time feel honor and courage wash over me. I was honored to be a part, a member of a nation that understands that my individual life is mine and I am free to live as I choose and that there are people all around me who value other more than themselves so much that they will leave the comforts of their home and give there lives for people they will never meet. I am proud to be an american not because of what I have or what I have do, but because my nation understands the power of love and sacrifice.

I will not abide people who speak ill of the military, they are far nobler than anyone I have meet. They freely choose to go into harms way for me. I have had a peaceful and protected life because of the men and women who lay dead in Cemeteries around this country and I will not forget what they have done for me and I will be the first to stand and honor there actions.

Honor Them,

Remember Them

and

Stand For Them.

My Hope

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. ~Barbara Kingsolver

I have been thinking again, scary…My mind has been filled with the question of what I want, specifically in a job sense. And I have been encouraged in the last couple of days to ask for big things. So I want to share with you what my live big dream is. I am really pushing myself to go as big as I can think of and go all out for it. Here it is:
I will bring home $500,000 a year, Be in an airport every monday flying out on business and flying home every friday. I will pay cash for my house. My photography will be in art galleries all over the world, My books will be on the best sellers lists. I will sell a product globally that I can believe in and trust. I will have my own pilot and plane. I will indulge my photography on every business trip I take and continue to write everyday. I will to be fit and health physically and emotionally. I will be know and respected where I go. I will be a powerful and beautiful women. I will own a new BMW and have the best entertainment set up know to man in my house. I will marry a man that is doing all these things right along side of me. I will be inspired by him and I will inspire him.

 

Just so you know the first time I wrote the paragraph above it had, ‘I want to’ in place of all the ‘I will’s’ I realized that If I make it an option, it will make me an option to pass over. I am speaking in faith and hope for the things I will receive. I must believe in my dreams before anyone else will believe in them. Today I am believing for a big life and great things.

Until Then…

Red Light, Green Light

Remember as a kid playing red light, green light? If only life where that simple, if only our life journey was controlled by simple signal lights. You either have a green light to go or a red light to stop you. Well, I have found that my life is a series of flashing yellow lights. You know that moment of indecision when you are approaching a flashing yellow light and you start looking around to see if anyone is coming, trying to decide if you should stop completely, or just low down and roll on through. That is how I feel, I know there is a decision I must make and it is fast approaching like that intersection and there is no signal, no sign to tell me what I should do. I will not let fear stop me from moving forward in my journey. I will make this decision in spite of not having a signal. I will follow my heart and step out into the unknown and see what lies beyond my own fear and doubt. I will not be alone whatever happens, I will be loved and looked after. I need not fear what will or won’t happen, all I have to fear is what I wouldn’t become if I didn’t try. If I succeed or if I fail I will still have learned and grown. The only experience that is detrimental is the one you never try. I’m a fight and I always will be. I used to think that made me a violent and mean person but really I am a kinder and more sensitive person because of the things I have faced and fought through in my life. The deeper the scars on our souls the stronger the love is that heals them. The only way to grow and be more is to fight battle that are bigger then you are. Its just like weight lifting if you never push yourself to lift more then you are able then you will not become stronger. If I never try to learn something I don’t know then how can I learn something new? You must struggle against something to grow. Every tree that cast its shade on you had to at its weakest moments push against the soil to become a strong and steady tree that can stand against the winds that try to uproot it and cast it to the ground. It is when we feel that weakest that we must fight the hardest because that is where the change, growth and breakthrough comes.

 

Until Then…

For A Kiss

It had been several years since Kaylee and I had seen each other, and even though  a lot had changed, she got married, moved to the city and was a respected Lawyer, she was still the same friend I had know in grade school and high school. She was independent and head strong, not nearly as concerned with being ladylike as she was with being respected. In high school she was voted “Mostly Likely to be First Female President.” She went as far as to try out for the men soccer team and would not walk through a door if a man opened it for her. She was a bit extreme in those days. So I was shocking for me to see her husband, Gavin, open the drivers door for her, help her in, and kiss her before closing the door. Truthfully I was speechless, the Kaylee I used to know would have refused to get in the car until he closed the door and walked away from it. The craziest part was the kiss, it wasn’t a peck on the check, it was a kiss on the lips, a real, lasting kiss. One that almost makes you feel uncomfortable that you saw it.

It wasn’t until the next day when Kaylee and I where alone that I had the courage to ask her what had changed.

“Kaylee there is something that I don’t understand?” I started, looking over at her.

“And what would that be?” She teased.

I paused, wondering if I was over stepping my boundaries and then I remembered it was Kaylee I was talking to and boundaries didn’t really exist. “Why do you let Gavin help you into the car? I mean, you never would have let any one do that in high school for you.”

She smiled and nodded, “Well it started a few years ago, the door panel on the drivers side door isn’t attached very well so you kind have to slam the door and even then it doesn’t close all the way, so I used to roll down the window so I could grab the door and close it fully and thats when Gavin started to close the door for me from the outside.”

I was still slightly confused. “Why not just get the door fixed?”

Kaylee smiled again but this time with a glow on her face that spoke of a deep affection and love, she leaned in. “Really I let him help me in the car because I get a kiss whenever I let him.” It finally made sense but I had one more question to ask, but not of her.

It wasn’t until my return trip to the airport that I got the opportunity to ask the question that was now burning in me. Kaylee had gone to the bathroom leaving me alone with Gavin, it was really the first time I had the chances to speak to him alone. I turned to him, knowing this question would be easier to ask of Gavin then it had been to ask Kaylee. “Gavin, why do you help Kaylee into the car?”

Gavin turned to me, mildly confused by the random nature of my question. “Well, it was something I was raised to do but Kaylee didn’t really like that kinda stuff but then the car door started acting up, you had to slam it closed and it was easier to close from the outside then the inside so I started to close it for her.” He paused, looking down and then back to me, a vibrant flush on his checks and a huge smile on his lips. “Really I do it because when I do, she kisses me.”

For a Kiss….

Until Then