Posts tagged ‘fear’

Name Tags

I wear the Name Tag of:

Women, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Niece, Granddaughter, Cousin, Neighbor, Relative, Sister-in-Law,

Athlete, Writer, Photographer, Graduate, Employee, Driver, Techie, Dyslexic, Creative,

Artistic, Sales Associate, Lead Laborer, Independent, Small Business Owner, Capricorn,

Night Animal, Christian, Non-Smoker, Basketball Player, Coach, Assistant, Runner,

Painter, Feminist, Poet, Traveler, Loner, Fighter, Encourager, Strong-Willed, Stubborn,

Dog Lover, Passport Holder, Contact Lens Wearer, Kind, Supportive, Sarcastic,

Tomboy, Consistent, Music Lover, Random, Clever, Practical Joker, Pastors Kid

… and the list goes on.

Throughout our lives we are all given Name Tags some we give to ourselves, some we love and some we hate. Society likes to give us these Name Tags to make us easier to understand, but truly they are one of the main reason the world is so confused about who I am. You can give me a new Name Tag everyday until the end of the world, but until you sit down in a room with me and hear my laughter, see my tears and find the fire in my soul, you will never know me or begin to understand me. Look deep into my eyes and forget what the world may have told you about me and see what I can teach you myself and what your own heart can tell you. Stop seeing with just your eyes, I am not a resume or a stat sheet, I am flesh and blood. I have been broken and I have walked among the stars, I walked the same ground you have and seen the same beauty and the same destruction. I know light from dark the same way you do.

Come sit with me and I will show you who I am.


Someday I don’t understand my own mind

First off thank you Apple for updating your iOS, more specifically the Map application. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Less than a week into my new California lifestyle I now have turn by turn navigation with spoken instructions, and let me tell you it works like a charm. I am so grateful that I don’t have to purchase another device just for that. but the truly interesting thing that happening to me today was as I walked around the mall in Mission Viejo. I walked past the Apple Store, one of the three I applied to, and just seeing the warm white glow and long tables with Apple products laying on them, my heart started to race and my stomach turned, my palms began to sweat and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even make myself go in and introduce myself even as a customer. It was almost the same feeling I had when I applied to Apple in Germantown Tennessee about two years ago. I thought I had changed that I had grown and that I could walk into any place and the fear wouldn’t control me, well today it won and I don’t like that. I have been here barely a week and I am already letting fear win, this was not what I wanted to do. I came here to be free but the problem is I am just as much me here as I was back in Montana. I know I haven’t lost the war but today I lost a battle.

I know I will be ok, but I still don’t enjoy that feeling that come over me today. Truly Apple is the place I want to work the most and I think in my mind if I don’t get a job there I will be lost and all my plans will fail but Apple isn’t the only place I can work and have the life I want. Maybe there is something even better out there for me. If its not Apple I would like it to show up fast so that I don’t have to keep worrying about a job.

Vacation is over, time to get crackin’

This is day five in California, my friend who drove down with me left yesterday and now the vacation is over, there is dirty laundry to do and chores to help out with and the dreaded job search. I will not lie to you I am afraid, it is far easier to sit here and say that I can do anything I want that I would do any job I want but it’s when the applications hit the table and I still don’t have a job that reality starts to weight you down. I feel safe at the moment but the more job applications I put in and get no response from the more my hope and security fade away. I knew before I left that this was where it would get hard, the rest of this has been mostly physically challenging with all the aspects of moving and packing and driving down here, now is the test of my mental and emotional strength. I know I have people here and back how that are only a phone call away and they will speak life into me but even then my dream is mine to carry and I am still unsure how heavy that load will be.

One Year With Vector

On June 8th 2011 I walked into a little basement office in Missoula Montana, with a great deal of fear and self doubt swirling all around me. It was my third really job interview and even though my cousin Danae had assured me that I would get hired I was still scared to death. I remember sitting in the parking lot before going into meet my soon to be manager and future friend Isaac Cervantes and calling my mom trying to calm my nerves. I sat there for about 5 minutes just breathing slowly trying to relax and not throw up.

My cousin was already there in the office sitting behind a desk with two full sets of cutlery on each side of her. Normally Danae and I would have started chattering away in movie quotes that no one else could follow but that day I was so unsure of myself I could hardly talk at all. There was also a man sitting on a folding chair near the desk with on leg across his knee propping up a Mac book on his lap intently staring at the screen. At the time I believed him to be deeply engrossed in something work related but knowing what I know now I am rather certain he was on Facebook. He half rose to greet me, holding his computer with his left hand and offering me his right. “Isaac Cervantes” he said as he shock my hand. He didn’t even have both feet on the ground but really that’s so Isaac. I sat down across the room from him and filled out a questionnaire and looked over at Danae for occasional support. A few other people showed up for interviews as well. Isaac interviewed me and another girl together and about all he really said to me was, “I know Danae has told you pretty much everything so…” he pretty much focused on the other girl asking her questions. I am not sure he really said or asked me anything through that process. His dog Ruby emerged form behind his desk at one point to see who was in daddy’s office, giving us both a sniff and laid back down behind the desk. Then I went on to the long group interview where we where give an in-depth demonstration of Cutco Cutlery and told what the position would in-tale for us. From my former conversations with Danae I actually knew most of what we where being told but it wasn’t hard to be interested and pay attention just for the sheer excitement that oozed from Isaac. After that we where all dismissed and told we would get a phone call later if we where hired or if we weren’t. I left the office quite relived to be out of there, and called my mom. I headed toward the Barnes and Noble, which has alway been an escape for me and called my mom to tell her how it went. I wasn’t 10 minutes down the road when another call came in, It was Isaac. I pulled off into the parking lot next to the Taco Bell and the last part of my interview commenced. He asked me one question, and it was possible the hardest question anyone could ask me at that time in my life. “If I was only going to hire one person why should I hire you?” Seams simple enough, but for me, I had no idea why anyone would want to have anything to do with me. I fumbled around for several minutes while he waited silently on the other end of the phone. I finally pulled out an acceptable answer and he asked me if I wanted to become a representative with Vector Marketing? I believe my initial response was “Really?” and then a quick and emphatic “Yes!”

I remember being so excited, I knew it would be this great opportunity, but at the time I had no idea how it would change my life. Danae meet me about an hour later at I was still over the moon. I was going to sell Cutco for 6 months, hit FSM and then get a sales job at Best Buy. I was going to get the experience I need to work where I really wanted and I was going to make enough money to travel where ever I wanted as much as I wanted. I was going to have everything I wanted. And I wasn’t wrong, I just didn’t know yet what I really wanted.

I can’t remember exactly what was covered in day one of training but I do remember being pretty overwhelmed with information about knives, and steel and how the company works. Of all the day, day one was the lease emotional for me. That being said I felt pretty overwhelmed, I believe we went over the guarantee and that night I was so excited about it that I pitched it to my mother over the phone with out notes. There is a pretty quick learning curve in this business. I remember taking extensive notes that where so sloppy and scattered I can’t read them anymore but if it was on the white board I wrote it down.

The next day we did food cutting and that is when I became a Cutco Believer. The moment of truth involved a pineapple and a Butcher knife. Never in all my life had I used a knife that slide so smoothly and easily thru anything, much less the briny center of a pineapple. I looked over at Isaac while still holding the pineapple juice cover Butcher knife with an expression of pure shock and uncontainable excitement. I think my eye must have spoken because he grinned at me and said, “I know right!” We cut up all kinds of stuff that morning, apples, potatoes, bread, tomatoes and cheese. Oh the Cheese knife, don’t get me started. We ate pineapple the rest of the day of training. We continued learning the manual that day by reading it out loud to each other but it was when we started to work on the phone approach that my stomach turned to knots. We had already been making lists of all the people we knew to call and I felt like I had a great list of people to work from but it was about to be crunch time.

Our first phone time was in the office, we had to set three appointments before we could leave also we where supposed to ring this bell on Isaac’s desk each time we set an appointment. I remember sitting at the desk in the back room of the office, I called my friend Renae first, but the first person I actually talked to was Linda Cavigli. I was so freaked out I was stammering and stuttering like I had never talked on the phone before but I got an appointment and I rang the bell. I set two more appointment before I left, but by that point was pretty frazzled, to the point I was actually on the verge of tears. I reported back to Isaac, that I had set my three appointments and that I was going to make more calls that evening, but truthfully I just had to get out of there. I was so overwhelmed, I need to be alone, and make my calls where no one else was around. I left the office and went back to Danae’s apartment where I was staying and buried my face in a pillow and cried. I was so thankful that Danae had gone back to Kalispell that day so I was alone. I felt like I was failing even thought I wasn’t I had set three appointment and by the time I went to bed that night I had a total of 8 appointments set. But I still had to cry and scream into the pillow before I could do anything else. That was the start of it, when you face things that scare you there are two options, run away or take it as it comes. I have learned in my life if you really want to face something and succeed you can’t expect yourself to be able to handle every single bit of it at once and you are silly to believe that you won’t fall apart at moments. I learned to take each moment in stride and if something is just to much for now, put it on the back burner, I promise it will show up again. Also don’t disqualify yourself just because you have a melt down, just remember to pick yourself back up and leave behind what you don’t need. “accept what is useful, reject what is useless and add what is specifically your own” -Bruce Lee. I know that I had to have my little breakdown at that moment or I would never have been able to keep going. I will be honest it wasn’t the last one I had but it was significant.

Final day of training, this was the day we got our sample kits and learned how it cut pennies. A skill I use at parties at my house now. Also the day of my first demo, which was awful, just awful. No sale, no recommendations, fumbled thru my blue book, and didn’t know answers to half the questions I got asked. Oh and I cut myself with my own knife in the customers sink while cleaning it, good thing they where close family friends and had Band-Aids. I now write-off Band-Aids as business expenses. So I got all the cliche things that could go wrong done and out of the way with my first demo. I went home that night and read my manual over three more times and went to bed, hoping the three appointments I had for tomorrow would be better.

My second demo Danae come with me on and observed. I did the whole demo and it felt so much better but when it came time to close the sale I froze and Danae saved me. I know love this line now, “Mr. Jones, even if you buy just one thing it make you a preferred Customer and it allows me to offer you great deals in the future.” That closed my first sale, a set of four table knives. I was so excited and this trend carried over to my next two appointments, where i sold two custom like lists, both to people who already owned Cutco. You can always use more Cutco.

From there everything snowballed, my first weeks CPO was 629, week two which was my first full week my CPO was 1,803. I continued with an average of about 1,000 a week for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I reached my first promotion the on June 14th. My second promotion on June 22nd, and my third by July 13th which put me at 6,000 in career sales. Today I am at 21,072 in career sales and sitting at a position of Field Sales Leader. I am still shooting to reach Field Sales Manager with the company but frankly that is only the tip of the iceberg.

I sit her now a year after taking what I thought to be just a job but it has changed me and challenged me. It has shown me more about who I am deep down in the areas that I have been hiding from. It has shown me that I am more than I thought possible, that I am not some silly little girl who dream of walking on the moon but I am a powerful women who can have whatever she sets her mind to achieve. I never would have started a blog a year ago, I would have talked about it but I used to be too afraid of what people would think of my thoughts but now look at me, blogging everyday. I never would have even considered moving or moving to California but thats what I am doing. I have found freedom to be whoever it is that I am and the confidence to love all that I am. That is what a year with Vector has done for me.


A toast to Change

Here’s to change, the things we all dread and more than anything dream of in secret. The fear comes from not being able to control it. Change is the excitement we seek disguised in the unknown. We fear the dark in the same way, what is in that alley, its your future one way or another. If you choose to step form light to darkness, the know to the uncontrolled miracles happen, dreams come true and our story is written. Here’s to the moments of change that will mark our lives and the eyes to see into the darkness and the unknown.

Until Then…

May 29th 2012 Resume

As I am preparing for my move I am endeavoring to tighten up my resume and have sent it to a couple of friends for review and now the fun part comes reformatting and rewriting it. I don’t really know why but this process is creating a lot of anxiousness and fear in me. For someone who loves words and loves to write you would think this would be an easy task but right now I feel very inadequate to the task so much so that I am avoiding it by blogging about how I am avoiding it. I think part of what is going on is that whole mistakes/perfectionism thing. I feel like if I don’t make the perfect resume I will not be able to get a job and If I can’t get a job in California I won’t be able to rent a place to live and if I can’t find somewhere to live I will have failed and my life will end in my pitiable death. Little intense I know but honestly that is the pressure that I am feeling over this thing. Its really freaking me out. To a point of not being able to face it. This process is bring up a lot of my fear that I have buried pretty deep and to continue with my plan of moving I have to face them and today I just don’t know if I have what it takes to do that. Its a little pitiful to be sitting here afraid to write a resume but thats where I am at. If my first step goes wrong then I will never get back on track again. I know I am capable of doing this but really its not about the resume this is about my our fear of failing my dreams. I am making a promise to myself and all you who read this that when I have finished my Resume I will post it here on this blog.


Until Then…

Mistakes and Perfection

I never would have called myself a perfectionist just someone who doesn’t want to make mistakes. Actually most of my decisions get heavily weighted to determine if they are mistakes or not. I will say this has saved me a quiet a bit of money and heartache, not going to lie I have made some not so smart and thought out choices but all the really really big stuff I think about for a long time. I have very strong desire to do things right, I know I am not perfect and no matter how hard I work I will never be perfect but in my mind I can live without mistakes, I thought. I am realizing as I make plans for moving to California that there is no real way of knowing if I am making a mistake by going now or in 6 month. All I know is that I can and should make the best informed decision that I can but make a decision I must. This is not an issue of right or wrong its an issue of can I make this work if I leave now or would it be better if i waited a little longer, dealt with work and maybe had a little more financial cushion before I go. I really want to leave right now but I know I have to fix my truck first and that will happen on the 5th. I have to stay at least that long but if I stay to the end of the month I will possible have a few more things situated and a little more money in my pocket from selling Cutco and Selling some of my stuff.

If I am truely honest with myself my need to not make mistakes is my way of trying to achieve the unachieveable “perfection”. I don’t really want to be perfect its a very hard ideal to maintain and frankly makes life no as much fun as if I just decided to be me and do my best. Moving to California might be a mistake but its gonna be one with a view and lot of things to do while I find out if it was a mistake or not. I guess if I am going to screw up and have to learn a hard lesson over time, why not do it somewhere with a coast line and so good looking men.

Until Then…