Name Tags

I wear the Name Tag of:

Women, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Niece, Granddaughter, Cousin, Neighbor, Relative, Sister-in-Law,

Athlete, Writer, Photographer, Graduate, Employee, Driver, Techie, Dyslexic, Creative,

Artistic, Sales Associate, Lead Laborer, Independent, Small Business Owner, Capricorn,

Night Animal, Christian, Non-Smoker, Basketball Player, Coach, Assistant, Runner,

Painter, Feminist, Poet, Traveler, Loner, Fighter, Encourager, Strong-Willed, Stubborn,

Dog Lover, Passport Holder, Contact Lens Wearer, Kind, Supportive, Sarcastic,

Tomboy, Consistent, Music Lover, Random, Clever, Practical Joker, Pastors Kid

… and the list goes on.

Throughout our lives we are all given Name Tags some we give to ourselves, some we love and some we hate. Society likes to give us these Name Tags to make us easier to understand, but truly they are one of the main reason the world is so confused about who I am. You can give me a new Name Tag everyday until the end of the world, but until you sit down in a room with me and hear my laughter, see my tears and find the fire in my soul, you will never know me or begin to understand me. Look deep into my eyes and forget what the world may have told you about me and see what I can teach you myself and what your own heart can tell you. Stop seeing with just your eyes, I am not a resume or a stat sheet, I am flesh and blood. I have been broken and I have walked among the stars, I walked the same ground you have and seen the same beauty and the same destruction. I know light from dark the same way you do.

Come sit with me and I will show you who I am.

Can you say “I’m Sorry”

I’m sorry, two little words, and can you believe that some people just don’t know how to say them? For something so small, you would think that tongue wouldn’t have trouble with these words, but how many times have you felt them rise in your throat and yet your tongue refuses to form them? I know I have been there. I think we need to learn to look someone in the eye that we have hurt and say “I’m Sorry” with no but after it. A statement followed by a but becomes an excuse. We need to own our shit, so many times we half ass things, a half ass apology is an excuse and a cop out. You either take full responsibility for what you have done or your don’t. You just can’t half way apologize and accept to something to change.

There are two parts to an apology, the first part is Owning it, I’m sorry. Period. The second part is where the being genuine comes in, if you are truly sorry about what you have done to someone or how you have failed then you must do something to change it. I’m sorry loses its power just as fast when you keep saying I’m sorry for the same thing over and over. If you don’t change anything and you keep apologizing to me for the same thing, I am going to stop listening because your apology has lost the action. You have to own your mistakes and then act on them to change them for your “I’m Sorry” to actually mean anything. Its just as empty without the action as it is with a ‘but’ after it. If you ever want to be more than you are today put action to your I’m sorry and take out the ‘buts’. If you actually do this you should never have to apologize for the same thing twice.

A little about love…

I would do my life a disservice if I abandoned, or stopped loving the one thing that made my life worth living. I say we should find something that is worth risking our heart being broken everyday, and when we do, love it will all we possess especially when it can do nothing for us, because the measure that we are able to love what will never love us will also be the weight of our legacy. There will be something that comes across your path that is so powerful that innately you can’t help but love it. That thing or person will never do a thing for you and you love it anyway, just because it exists. That’s when you reveal the depth of your character and the value of your life. Our value comes from valuing others.

Change your day…

I found myself this morning in a very scared place. Almost surprised at my reaction to walking past the Apple store in mission viejo. But tonight I chose to change myself, to challenge myself. I went to the spectrum with Chelsea where she works and another Apple store is located. I walked thru the whole place which is quite large but I finally found myself infront of the store which already had a line of about 25 people sitting outside for tomorrow’s release of the iPhone 5 and I walked my racing heart into that store and looked around. The place was hopping so I wasn’t able to speak with anyone but I walked in and looked around. I feel a little bit better about where I am now that I faced a silly but real fear. I know tomorrow will be an even better day than today because I will make it so. I think tomorrow is a beach day. 🙂

Someday I don’t understand my own mind

First off thank you Apple for updating your iOS, more specifically the Map application. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Less than a week into my new California lifestyle I now have turn by turn navigation with spoken instructions, and let me tell you it works like a charm. I am so grateful that I don’t have to purchase another device just for that. but the truly interesting thing that happening to me today was as I walked around the mall in Mission Viejo. I walked past the Apple Store, one of the three I applied to, and just seeing the warm white glow and long tables with Apple products laying on them, my heart started to race and my stomach turned, my palms began to sweat and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even make myself go in and introduce myself even as a customer. It was almost the same feeling I had when I applied to Apple in Germantown Tennessee about two years ago. I thought I had changed that I had grown and that I could walk into any place and the fear wouldn’t control me, well today it won and I don’t like that. I have been here barely a week and I am already letting fear win, this was not what I wanted to do. I came here to be free but the problem is I am just as much me here as I was back in Montana. I know I haven’t lost the war but today I lost a battle.

I know I will be ok, but I still don’t enjoy that feeling that come over me today. Truly Apple is the place I want to work the most and I think in my mind if I don’t get a job there I will be lost and all my plans will fail but Apple isn’t the only place I can work and have the life I want. Maybe there is something even better out there for me. If its not Apple I would like it to show up fast so that I don’t have to keep worrying about a job.

September 19, 2012

Still hasn’t been a week since I got here and I am starting to find places on my own, went to my bank today and changed my address and spent about half an hour talking to my new personal banker Michael Garcia. I have already hung out with two of Chelsea’s friends Mo and Miles and Chelsea and I meet to teenagers down at the beach thanks to Levi, Kyle and West. I can’t say I am making my own friends yet but I am meeting people. I have been filling out applications online the last two days. I am really hoping something will pop soon, I don’t enjoy waiting in the dark for applications to be processed. It is much easier to fill out applications online but not being able to get face time with a manager makes it harder to know how things will go. I can generally get a read of off people but you just can’t do that with a website. I have a feeling I am going to have to get some applications in person soon but that makes me so nervous. I really don’t like looking for  a job, its very stressful for me. I know I am capable of doing anything I want, it is just the being able to show people who don’t know me at all that I am capable of far above the average. A friend called it the X factor, which apparently I have, but am not so good at broadcasting. On a side note, I found my way to Trader Joe’s and I love it, they have Crumpets, which is something I haven’t had since I was in England quite a few years ago. So that made me happy. I have also discovered I am not a foodie or a beer fanatic like my best friend here is but thats ok, when I get a job I will start making my own friends. I have a feeling some kicking concert are in my future, that is more my thing. The beach is always a great place for me. Well until then, I will continue to find my way in this new world…

Vacation is over, time to get crackin’

This is day five in California, my friend who drove down with me left yesterday and now the vacation is over, there is dirty laundry to do and chores to help out with and the dreaded job search. I will not lie to you I am afraid, it is far easier to sit here and say that I can do anything I want that I would do any job I want but it’s when the applications hit the table and I still don’t have a job that reality starts to weight you down. I feel safe at the moment but the more job applications I put in and get no response from the more my hope and security fade away. I knew before I left that this was where it would get hard, the rest of this has been mostly physically challenging with all the aspects of moving and packing and driving down here, now is the test of my mental and emotional strength. I know I have people here and back how that are only a phone call away and they will speak life into me but even then my dream is mine to carry and I am still unsure how heavy that load will be.