Words, they are so inadequate when it comes to those moment and feeling in life that change us. We rely so heavily on them, and they fall short so often but yet we go back to them. The desire to communicate and be understood is so central to our being that we make a study of the art so that we can better express what in inexpressible and what can only be understood by having lived it.

I lack the word to make you understand this moment that has defined me for so long, that I am now fighting against. I know the words that will come will not be able to bring this moment to life for you as it is alive to me. But I know this is not a once in the universe moment, their are other, who I hope will read this, that have a living moment like mine and it is for them that I will write this.

The backstory and location are of little consequence, only two players in this scene and one look are all you must know. I did nothing wrong, I sat down beside a friend, yes he was cute and male, and he turned to me without speaking, but his eyes screamed at me, “There is something wrong with you!” It wasn’t just this moment, but all the moments that had come before, countless, these moment, but all of them whispered what his eyes said that day, “you are wrong”, “You are too different”, “Why would you do that”, “Your special” all those moments became solid mass and absolute truth in that one look. To wonder if you are different, to understand that not everyone is the same, is normal, is healthy even, but to fully grasp and believe that what you are and who you are is wrong, will change everything. It will destroy you, one look at a time.

There is no age that you can reach that will make this truth untrue, there is no love strong enough to cause you to forget it, there is no achievement great enough that can crush it. You must disassemble that truth, one thoughts at a time. Its like a stone castle, its walls so thick and so solid that you can’t break it down, you can’t blow it up. If you wish to destroy it, you must take it apart stone by stone, starting at the highest tower until you reach the deepest dungeon. Each stone is a thought, each stone is a lie, and to be ride of it, you must grip it around the throat and squeeze its life away and cast off the withered husk, hands empty and ready to start again. There is no other way to be free of those chains that someone else put on you, the longer you like with those moments the more stones you pill up. My fortress is vast, having many years of growth, but no longer will I let it grow, I have already begun to take stone out of my walls and the beauty that is revealed behind them gives me strength every morning that the sun rises over them.

Do not fear what lies behind those walls, as you take them down you grow in strength, and the closer to the ground you get the strong and better equipped you will be. Fear has no place in this journey, do not build a great castle for fear.

Until then…

Until Then…