To be a fighter is strangely simple in principle but tremendously hard in reality. To say you are a fighter is easy, the words are not difficult to pronounce, but to live them take strength not of body but of mind, will and heart. To quit or give up goes against every fiber of a fighters being, to let go and step back feels like losing. A true fighter never loses there battles, but a true fighter does lose if that is all they are. I have always pushed myself to be a women who fights for what she believes in and fights for what she wants. There is great power in being a fighter, it is the pursuit of personal strength. I have felt for most of my life that others think that I am weak and the more I feel them thinking that the harder I fight in whatever battle field I can find. I don’t think there is anything, in principle, wrong with having a fighters spirit, but to live all your life by the fighters standard, does that really make you happy?
I can say from in my life that there are things that never would have happened if I wasn’t a fighter, I would never have graduated from high school, I wouldn’t be living on my own with my dog in Montana, if I wasn’t a fighter. But on the other side of the coin, there are things that I have fought for and am fighting for that are not good for me. There are things that the battle to keep is slowly killing me inside, but I have been so long in the struggle that I know of no other way to live.
Most people say that you need to find the balance, but I don’t really feel like life balances out, I think we live life in the tension between extremes. I picture life as a rubber band pulled to its maximum capacity, to that point where it is as long as it can be and just one millimeter more and it will break. If one side of the rubber band is pulled more than the other it drifts to that side, and if that rubber band is not pulled in either direction it is doing nothing. We should live in the tension and we do, every decision we make is like living in the center of that rubber band, we are pulled to one extreme or the other, either by our our personality or by those around us and its is finding the proper tension between those influences that keep us centered.
With my fighters spirit I get pulled to one side of the spectrum, to one extreme and in ways it has paid off for me but in others it has caused me great grief. I have stayed and fought through things that I was never meant to fight through but when you only operate in one facet of life you are bound to make mistakes Fortunately for me I had people who pulled me back when I couldn’t step back myself and showed me what I was doing to myself. Now I must find the tension between my fighters mentality and what is truly best for me. A fighter like me sees all things as a battlefield, and when the fight get desperate all you see is red and you stop seeing what effect your having on your life, you lose the big picture. I need to find how to be a fighter who sees beyond the battlefield. I am learning that not all strength comes from the headlong charge into the fray, but there is also great power in the heart of the women who walks away.
It is hard for me to write these words to you, because it means I am facing days of change. It is hard for me to give up the fight but I know that this one things is not what I must fight for now, I must fight for a better me. I even now struggle with feeling like I have let someone down and have abandon them, but if I can’t do what is best for me, if I can’t stop hurting myself that what good can I be to anyone.
I know my strength now better than I ever have and I will be strong for this, no one can take that from me, but I will put down my sword and shield on this battlefield and walk away a might women, who is still unstoppable.

Until Then…

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